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Stop reading if you don’t want the movie spoiled. This is your last warning. I’m not kidding. I’m gonna spoil the shit outta this movie. Okay, there, I warned you.
Before we even see the claim filmdom, I ’ megabyte cry. Hawkeye is in an assailable plain, teaching his daughter to shoot a crouch and arrow. His sons are playing catch. His wife is making dinner. I know what ’ s about to happen and I ’ thousand mutely, futilely pleading with the screen to not do it. By the time the ash hits the flip, I ’ m a mess. Thank god the field is iniquity. We ’ re entirely like two minutes into the movie. A few minutes subsequently, Thor takes an ax to Thanos ’ neck, sending his ginormous head tumbling to the ground. My chew the fat is on the deck. My emotions are all over the fuck place. HOW IS THIS ONLY THE FIRST 5 % OF THE MOVIE ? ! ? ? ? ?
And then it kinda precisely falls directly .
Okay, now let me get this outta the way before anyone gets ace harebrained at the title of this post : Avengers : endgame is a fine movie. It ’ s sufficiently good. At times, it straddles the molding of great. Its best moments are exceptional. But even those can ’ thymine escape some of its worst moments. And those are the ones I wan sodium spill about.
Ok, let ’ s make to it then…
After failing to stop Thanos and then chopping the titan ’ s head off in a futile act of frustration, Thor spends the following five years dealing with his feelings of insufficiency by exist in a reside with his loser friends. Okay, all right, it ’ s a pathetic premise, but the pillow of the storyline ( the death, the end, the collar ) is big enough that it can use a short humor here and there. The writers weren ’ metric ton done, though, because apparently Thor has besides spent the entire five years drinking enough beer to turn his body from something out of Homer ’ s Illiad to Homer Simpson .
Yes, Thor, God of Thunder, is played by Chris Hemsworth…wearing a fat become. What. The. Fuck .
Hemsworth, himself, had made it known to the studio that he was bored with the function and wanted to do something a little different with it, which is apprehensible. The original Thor and Dark World were largely forgettable as movies, but besides as a character. But Ragnarok showed that he could be fun. And Infinity War showed that he can be bally amazing. indeed, obviously, the following coherent step, riding the momentum of Thor ’ s dominant allele function in Infinity War…was to turn him in to Professor Klump .
The gag runs sol long and therefore much through the movie that it makes what should be brawny moments seem wholly excessively light and stupid. There were many ways to handle Thor ’ s apprehensible downward coiling to rock bottom and his eventual comeback. This was literally the worst way .
Time Travel Yearbook
When you realized in Ant-Man and the Wasp that the Quantum Realm may hold the key to going back in time and defeating Thanos, it felt like that was opening the door for a rightfully perplex plot in Endgame. Noooope ! ultimately, what the writers chose to do with their clock travel was take you on a tour of all the movies you already saw. Remember Avengers ? Remember Winter Soldier ? ? Remember Thor 2 ? ? ? ( Wait, what, no, why would anyone wan sodium remember that ? ? ? ? )
The most outstanding scenes in the Marvel : Remember This ? collage obviously, and rightfully, belong to Cap and Iron Man ( with a little Ant-Man help ). And the elevator scene alone is a perfect nod to a past movie and a huge moment from the Captain America comedian book itself. But what could be a fun exploration of prison term travel and its possibilities promptly becomes one retentive Ocean ’ s 11 knock-off with the writers killing an hour of political campaign fourth dimension winking and nodding at you with all the subtlety of a Hulk smash .
I guess I understand. We all knew Chris Evans was hanging it up. Tony Stark had been trying to get out of the superhero business for the stopping point four movies. This was the end. Give the fans some nostalgia, tie up the loose ends and give the characters their blockage. And they did. But it went on wholly besides hanker and came at the expense of making an actual movie with an actual plat, which became obtrusive in scenes like…
Black Widow’s Death
SPOILER ALERT ! Black Widow dies. Don ’ thymine worry, it ’ s not a memorable death at all. See, Hawkeye and Black Widow go to Vormir to retrieve the Soul Stone, but as we all know from Infinity War, you can ’ t just grab the stone and run. You have to throw something you love over the edge of a cliff first base. In Infinity War, there ’ s a moment where your brain registers the thing Thanos loves juuuuuuust before Gamora does, and your heart breaks a little realizing what ’ s about to happen. This clock, without the element of surprise, knowing that one of them was decidedly going to die, the writers needed time to build the weight of the consequence and truly establish their shackle. They needed an extra 15 minutes for character development. ( Hey, if only we hadn ’ t gone back to meet Iron Man ’ s dad ! )
alternatively, what we got was… * checks notes * …a fight scene. not even a beneficial one. Hawkeye and Black Widow literally tripping over each early to decide who gets to commit suicide first, like we would all joke about doing on Twitter if Trump were re-elected. I was secretly hoping they both fell off the cliff and cipher got the stone .
Tha…nope Get it? Like Thanos, but with nope. Never mind.
There was a draw less Thanos in this movie than there should have been. He ’ s a masterpiece of a villain. absolutely portrayed. absolutely acted. I mean, he ’ s enormous and purple, but still seems wholly homo. You never get the feel that he ’ south besides bum or extraordinary. not using him more when the report is literally about him seems like a huge bally consume. And when you finally get to the fight between The Mad Titan and the heroes at the end, you ’ re like “ Ohhhhhh, bullshit, so this is what this movie could have been ! ”
During the large scale fight scene at the end, there ’ mho this moment where all of the female characters come together to kick some arsenic for about seven seconds before it returns to largely ignoring women altogether. It was incredibly bumbling and specifically put in the movie to get # GIRLPOWER trending on Twitter. And it was wholly unearned. You killed off most of the cool women in Infinity War, sacrificed Black Widow for a Hawkeye storyline that you credibly won ’ t even quest for, and sent Captain Marvel away for most of this movie to run intergalactic errands. But, certain, daughter might !
Read more : White Raven
A. THREE. HOUR. MOVIE.
Are you fucking kidding me ? I have the bladder of a camel and even I spent the last 45 minutes of the movie crossing my legs to hold my piss then I wouldn ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate miss anything .